Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
