I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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