Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
My vagina is very pro this idea
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
