A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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