God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
