In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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