My Higher Power is John Stamos
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
