i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
