DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I am spending my child support on dildos
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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