Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
