The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
