It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
