Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
