K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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