I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
We smell like vodka and hangover
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
