I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
