Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
