I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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