i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
North Korea, Best Korea!
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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