A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
