The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
