I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm sobbing to NWA
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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