Im at strip club and am horny
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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