where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
