The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
