"it" just moved
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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