Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
