Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
