Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
