I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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