so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
