I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She's the barista slut.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
