i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
