When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
