I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
