I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
