On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
