U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
