we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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