I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
