Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
