I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
