sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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