I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
