Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
