worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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