I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
