I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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