three words: i give head
three words: not that well
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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