I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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