We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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