life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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