he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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